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Five Steps To Starting A Career In Corporate Espionage

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Espionage Essential #4: Steal The Corporate Secrets

These babies are just plain cool. Logistically, bugging a board room to listen to corporate secrets can be challenging. Fortunately, CEOs and board members tend to have even bigger egos than bank accounts, so their offices and conference rooms are on top floors with massive windows. They use the windows to look down at all the little people scurrying around—you’ll use them to reap the company’s profits.

Laser mics shoot a laser beam at the window, which vibrates from the sound waves in the room. These waves distort the beam before it bounces back to the mic’s receiver, which sends all those data gigabytes to a filter and converts it to sound for your listening pleasure.

These gadgets are available from Brickhouse Security for a very reasonable $51,495, or you can buy a $24.95 lock-picking kit from the same company, break into their headquarters in NYC, and steal it.


Espionage Essential #5: Last Resort: Extortion

Even in the digital age, the old classics still do the trick. In fact, human intelligence is still the best kind. Coerce the right people and they’ll not only tell you everything they know, but they can also plant bugs, tap phone lines, copy hard drives for you, and do anything else that requires privileged access.

Some spies like to use bribery as well. That might work to get a janitor or a secretary to help you out, but do you really have the cash to bribe an executive? Besides, extortion is a hell of a lot more fun.

In all seriousness, the average client for espionage profession is a corporate executive, a government agency, or a corporate CEO.

And if you’re attached to your current life, consider this before committing to a life of espionage. According to J.D.LeaSure, the CEO of ComSEC LLD, a counter intelligence firm, “You’re committing to a lifestyle not a career. It’s a combination of counterintelligence and tactics that encompass so many platforms and protocol.”

Dig up a dirty secret you can use to your advantage, such as threatening to expose that {O Robotics employee who reads Handshake} remaining Google employee using Windows. And you’re on your way to corporate espionage heaven or jail, whichever comes first.

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