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How To Win A Siege On A Budget

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At some point in our lives, we’ve all tried to conquer a fortified town but didn’t have any catapults. The next time it happens, take some inspiration from the Viking king Harald Hardrada and use this cheap-n-dirty trick to defeat your enemies:

Step one: Confirm that your enemies have thatched roofs on their houses. This shouldn’t be a problem, since thatched roofs are pretty much standard in any town you’ll want to besiege.

Step two: Observe the birds making their nests in the aforementioned roofs. Good old Harry Hardrada noticed this while attacking a little town in Sicily and came up with the idea that earned him a place in our blog.

Step three: The birds probably leave the town to find food during the day. Have your soldiers catch as many of them as possible.

Step four: Make sure no one in your army is a member of PETA. This shouldn’t be a problem, since PETA members are unlikely to join a siege in the first place.

Step five: Make small bundles of tar-soaked wood, wax, and sulphur, and tie one to each bird’s back.

Step six: Light all the birds on fire and let them go. In a panic, they’ll fly straight to their nests, subsequently lighting the thatch on fire.

Step seven: After the town has burned to ashes, it should be easy for you to bust down the gates and force a surrender.

Step eight: Pillage the town’s treasures, eat their food, drink their wine, and enslave all the women and children. Make Harry proud.

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3 Responses to “How To Win A Siege On A Budget”

  1. avatar Nick McCrea says:

    Sweet, I’m on it

  2. avatar Nick Feely says:

    This system seemingly works, but you could also just capture Trogdor to accomplish the same task. Much simpler.

  3. avatar Garrick Otero says:

    Nick: then you wouldn’t get to piss off PETA, which is half the fun.