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Nine Things Future Film Makers Must Learn From Splice [Spoiler alert!]

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Handshake has finally taken the plunge. We watched Splice.

The conclusion? Through various scientific methods and arcane divination tools, we have determined that Splice is the creepiest goddamn thing ever in existence. And not scary creepy. More like “I need to go wash my eyes out with lye to get out the creepy” kind of creepy.

Below, Handshake gives some brief guidelines for any future filmmakers intent on making a Splice like movie.

Warning: if you plan on seeing the film, don’t. Also: this entire list is a spoiler.

Pay close attention. Here we go:

1. Never, ever make Splice. Seriously. It’s just not a very good movie. In fact, it will scar you for life.

2. Jurassic Park already did the whole “splice genes and you create a sex-changing beasty” plot device. This particularly sci-fi trick don’t got much legs – AND it’s already been done.

3. If, considering numbers 1 and 2, and you still make Splice, please make sure all the weird creatures in your movie have hair.

4. Please do not take the film to the next level and create a giant hairless humanoid infant creature.

5. If you must create a giant hairless humanoid infant creature, please do not dress up said creature in human clothes.

6. If you must dress the giant hairless humanoid infant creature in human clothes, please do not let said creature enter into puberty. Also: please do not put make-up on the creature.

7. If you are intent on creating a giant hairless pubescent humanoid infant dressed up in human clothes and made up like a cheap trollop creature, do not include ANY sex scenes with said creature.

8. If you do this then you have failed yourself, your family, and humanity. But more importantly, at this point you MUST NOT let this creature change sexes and commit rape. Because then you will have created a giant hairless pubescent rape-happy humanoid infant dressed up in human clothes and made-up like a cheap trollop creature. And that would be the most terrible thing anyone could do in any movie. In history. And the future.

9. Do not make Splice.

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7 Responses to “Nine Things Future Film Makers Must Learn From Splice [Spoiler alert!]

  1. avatar Nick McCrea says:

    This post kind of makes me wonder if i’d hate myself a little after seeing this movie…or maybe i’d just hate rogue scientists? or maybe all of mankind?

  2. avatar Kevin Morris says:

    Nah, don’t worry. This movie would just make you hate this movie.

  3. avatar Shruthi Sankar says:

    You know, I’ve been thinking about it. Splice really is about fidelity or the lack of it. The gender changing humanoid thing just happens to be there.

  4. avatar John says:

    10. Don’t make the creature’s head look exactly like a penis.

    11. Acknowledge that Splice and Species are in fact the same movie.

  5. avatar Kevin Morris says:

    I originally wanted to do a “Who Would Win?” post, pitting Natasha Henstridge against the creepy infant rapist creature of Splice.

    But then I watched the movie. And, you know, how could I focus on anything other than a hate-filled rant?

  6. avatar Nick McCrea says:

    Is Natasha Henstridge in a hot tub? I think she’d have the advantage there based on what I remember about “Species”

  7. avatar John says:

    What is it about horrible mutants that makes them so into rape? And what is it about filmmakers that makes them so into writing and recording that?