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Six Things Missing From The New Karate Kid

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The much-hyped Karate Kid remake starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan hits theaters today. Although the mini-Fresh Prince is super cute, and Chan is good at kung fu or whatever, we’re still skeptical that anything can recreate the magic of the 1984 original. Sorry to say, but without the following ingredients, the new Karate Kid is destined for the Land of Failed Remakes:

1. William Zabka:
Playing tough-yet-tortured Johnny, this quintessential 80s bad guy gave us additional proof that grown men with naturally white-blonde hair are not to be trusted.

2. Ralph Macchio’s fake Jersey accent:
I gotta learn karate, Ma! When The Situation opens his mouth, we want to uppercut him. With Daniel Son, it’s endearing.

3. Wax on, wax off:
A mundane chore turned ass-kicking karate move? Genius — and much less creepy than the new flick’s failed attempt at an update: “Jacket on, jacket off.” Say this repeatedly to your nearest 11-year-old to reveal its complete and utter inappropriateness. Icky.

4. Elizabeth Shue as the hot chick:
Apparently, slightly chubby girls with frizzy hair and perma-wedgies were smoking hot in 1984. This mantra may or may not have gotten some of us through middle school.

5. The original soundtrack.
Cruel Summer, You’re the Best Around, Young Hearts. Someone call 911. We just overdosed on hits.

6. The final fight.
Ok, so this shit isn’t exactly UFC, but Zabka’s entourage sure did take it seriously (“Get him a bodybag!”) Watch the final scene on YouTube and try not to erupt in spontaneous goosebumps. We dare you.

YouTube Preview Image

Vs.

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Which do you think will win?

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3 Responses to “Six Things Missing From The New Karate Kid

  1. avatar Tiago Moura says:

    Let’s not forget also the “Karate” part. Kung Fu is just not Karate. They got the “Kid” part right, I guess, so the title gets a 50%. That’s an F even in most preschools, making this movie an automatic fail just going on the title’s accuracy.

  2. avatar Nick McCrea says:

    I actually just saw a special on TV about the movie, and they teach the kid kung fu in the movie…so it’s just awkward that they decided to call it the Karate Kid again…and without any further info…my suggestion “The Karate Kid: Will Smith’s kid learns kung fu to take vengence on bullies”

  3. avatar Michelle Bernard says:

    Yeah.. the title doesn’t make any sense at all.