Six Things Missing From The New Karate Kid
The much-hyped Karate Kid remake starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan hits theaters today. Although the mini-Fresh Prince is super cute, and Chan is good at kung fu or whatever, we’re still skeptical that anything can recreate the magic of the 1984 original. Sorry to say, but without the following ingredients, the new Karate Kid is destined for the Land of Failed Remakes:
1. William Zabka:
Playing tough-yet-tortured Johnny, this quintessential 80s bad guy gave us additional proof that grown men with naturally white-blonde hair are not to be trusted.
3. Wax on, wax off:
A mundane chore turned ass-kicking karate move? Genius — and much less creepy than the new flick’s failed attempt at an update: “Jacket on, jacket off.” Say this repeatedly to your nearest 11-year-old to reveal its complete and utter inappropriateness. Icky.
4. Elizabeth Shue as the hot chick:
Apparently, slightly chubby girls with frizzy hair and perma-wedgies were smoking hot in 1984. This mantra may or may not have gotten some of us through middle school.
5. The original soundtrack.
Cruel Summer, You’re the Best Around, Young Hearts. Someone call 911. We just overdosed on hits.
6. The final fight.
Ok, so this shit isn’t exactly UFC, but Zabka’s entourage sure did take it seriously (“Get him a bodybag!”) Watch the final scene on YouTube and try not to erupt in spontaneous goosebumps. We dare you.
Which do you think will win?