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Why Predators will suck

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Predators hits theaters in just two days. Like every movie involving this bad-ass alien culture that has come out since the original Predator in 1987, this progression will serve as a regression for the series — in other words, it will suck.

Why? Well, the plot here involves the Predators abducting a group of earth-dwelling warriors including a Yakuza gang member, Black Ops operative, and other assorted violent human beings, and dumping them onto an alien planet. Home-field advantage — Predators.

It appears that the film’s star, Adrien Brody, will end up leading this rag-tag group in their attempt to somehow survive in this foreign jungle, which will likely be swarming with not one, but multiple Predators (thus the movie title). And herein lies the problem.

IT’S ADRIEN FREAKIN’ BRODY LEADING A SMALL SQUAD OF HUMAN BEINGS AGAINST AN UNKNOWN NUMBER OF THE GREATEST ALIEN WARRIORS KNOW TO MANKIND. Yeah, Adrien Brody, the dude who starred in The Pianist and Splice, and we all know how Handshake felt about Splice.

Way back in 1987, when most of us at Handshake couldn’t walk yet, Arnold Schwarzenegger carried his foul-mouthed elite military team through the jungle in the original “Predator.” The Predator, the ONE Predator, decimates the Governator’s squad and nearly takes out Arnie himself.

So now, in 2010, we’re going to see a rag-tag group of gangsters, felons and operatives thrown onto an unfamiliar planet to face off against a GROUP of Predators.

Here’s how Handshake thinks this movie should go if the creators did things right:

We get introduced to the characters in the first 10 minutes, getting their backgrounds and seeing some human-on-human violence and gore.

Then they all get abducted and dropped on the alien planet.

After that, it should be a very quick killing spree involving no fewer than three to five Predator hunters. This segment of the humans having their spines ripped out and getting blown to pieces by guided, shoulder-launched Predator missiles, should last no longer than three minutes if we’re going to be realistic about things. Add in closing credits, we’re talking a 15-20 minute movie, max. Hardly worth the price of admission.

It was one thing when the Predators started facing off against their fellow Aliens in Aliens v. Predators, but this is just getting ridiculous. Don’t show us another Predators movie unless you can give them something to compete against…this is just getting disrespectful. Adrien freaking Brody — ugh. Bring back Arnie and you might be able to squeeze an hour out of this thing.

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2 Responses to “Why Predators will suck”

  1. avatar Doxtad says:

    NOOOOOOOO! Predators will rock. Mark my words. Or delete this comment if it does.

  2. avatar Kevin Morris says:

    The real problem is there’s no Carl Weathers, Nick.

    Why didn’t you investigate this more?

    I mean, I know his character died in the non-“s” version, but, you know, whatever. Resurrection stories are totally legit in crappy science fiction.